Do-over

19 Apr

I learned recently that Pepe is engaged. It’s weird. It’s uncomfortable. It’s left me reeling a bit. Not because I want to be with him, but because I want someone all my own, too. I suppose part of it is that I want him to suffer as a single-father and toil in that a bit longer; not to have a wife who can share the challenges and work that it takes to go it alone. I am not usually a vengeful person, but I do have to admit I want a little bit of Karma to be doled out to him.

He gets married Memorial Day weekend. That was always the weekend we’d go to NY to be with his family when we were married. As it turns out, it was the weekend they were first together last year when they started dating. Yep. That’s right. They’ve been together less than a year, got engaged a couple weeks ago, and will be married in about 6 weeks. I was thinking about getting him a wedding present–ya know, to say “no hard feelings, enjoy your do-over” or whatever. What do you think about getting him a shirt made with this on it?:

Whatdya think? Too much?

But seriously, that’s what it feels like. A do-over. A mulligan. Screwed up the with the first wife (me) so I am gonna take another shot at this. He says he’s changed. That he’s a different person now. That he’s learned. Blahblahblah (that’s what I hear). For her sake, I hope that is the case. For the sake of our children, I pray that is the case. Loss is loss. Our marriage hasn’t even been over for 2 years yet. Our children are still grieving its loss and adjusting to their new circumstances. Shit, I am still grieving its loss after fifteen years of marriage and 17 years together.

Now, the kids get a step-mom (whom they adore and is an angel to them–I really do like that they like her which makes me like her) and a new brother. A brother they all seem to enjoy.  Am bitter about it? Yes. Bitter that he’s got someone and I am alone. Sucks feeling this way! It’s not the kind of person I usually am (“Bitter party of 1, your table is now available”). It makes me feel selfish! I hate selfish!

All of our journeys take different paths. We all come to new places at different times and at different speeds. Throughout the post-divorce life cycle, there are stages we go through; stages of grief based on the loss of your partner which are inherent to divorce are:

  1. shock or disbelief
  2. denial
  3. anger
  4. bargaining
  5. guilt
  6. depression
  7. acceptance or hope
I think I must be between guilt and depression. Guilt that I maybe could have done more–though this is completely irrational because I could not have–and depression because when you want to be married/in a relationship and aren’t it’s hard to see others finding their forever. At least it has been so far for me. It makes me wonder if I will ever find it. I read a blog post today that was talking about why people stay in bad relationships and/or aren’t able to find a new relationship because “They think so lowly of themselves that they actually BELIEVE that they don’t deserve or won’t be able to attract a truly loving partner.” Stinkin’ thinkin’, my friends. You have to believe to receive! So, while I am working on me, I will be working on that. Here’s to acceptance and hope coming soon!
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2 Responses to “Do-over”

  1. traci whitney May 4, 2011 at 2:52 pm #

    Oh no! Skip over the depression part! Seriously, this could be a good thing. You don’t have to toil over watching him and the kids be put through relationship after relationship. I know from experience, if he has found someone that YOU like, then be happy that you don’t have to be put through the alternative. Can you imagine if he was marrying someone that your kids hated? that would be torture.

    So, for now it’s your own personal turmoil that you have to deal with. It could be worse, it could be the kids you’re worried about, so this is a perfect time to be selfish. Go out – have fun with friends, talk on the phone and bitch about it, have a couple glasses of wine while you do. Give yourself a little leeway to take care of yourself, you deserve it!

    • mzbriz May 4, 2011 at 3:11 pm #

      Thanks, Traci! Yeah, there is a lot of good to come of this. The biggest obstacle is whether or not they will stay in Ohio or have to move to NY as it regards our kids. At first, I was like “buh-bye” and then when I thought about my kids not seeing him as often, my elation was gone. Totally done with the depression and at my happy place again.

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