Damage

27 Jun

In our closest relationships, we can do the most damage. When you know someone so well–their hopes, their fears, their failures, their successes, there are times when that knowledge is leveraged against the person we know and love. Anger builds up and we lash out with angry words. Why do we do that? Is it because we feel safe and that we believe we’ll be forgiven? Is it that this person can spin us up like no other? I wish I had the answer. What I do know is that sometimes that damage happens over and over again and causes irreparable damage to a person’s spirit; leaving behind scars that are deep within each of us.

In the movie Heathers starring Winona Ryder as Veronica Sawyer, she asks this of one of the Heathers, “What’s your damage, Heather?” I ask myself that same question. What has made you to feel this way, act this way, react this way and what are you going to do to change it? How does one undo the damage that has been done? I suppose the first step is in identifying what the damage is, how it was caused and where is the real truth.

Part of the issue lies within me. The lie that most damaged me was one that already existed within my own psyche and it became my truth.  It took on more power when those words were spoken out loud by the person who had taken vows to love me till death. The words left his lips and pierced my heart, “No one will ever love you. You are too hard to love.” He followed that with explaining how he was the only one who could ever love me. I was damaged goods. I am independent, strong willed,  outspoken, successful–all things that made me hard to handle. At least, that’s what I believed.

Then, someone from my past came back into my life and told me he’d always loved me. The lie was no longer my truth. I can be loved. Over time, after my divorce, more men came out and told me that regardless of whatever it was I believed, they’d always thought I was amazing, awesome, hot, whatever their words were they freed me little by little from the damage. I wish I could say that I don’t ever believe that lie. Unfortunately, I do. The longer I am single, the longer I am dateless, the longer I have in my own head, the more I let that become my truth again. There must be something wrong with me if no one wants me, right?! Wrong. It could be that the venues I choose for networking, socializing and the like are not ones that would allow me to find someone. It could be that I am still healing and learning to love myself. It could be my confidence or at times my insecurity that are a turn off. Or, it could be none of that. It might just be what it is…I haven’t found someone that was interesting enough for me to want to pursue or be pursued by.

We are all damaged in some way. That doesn’t make us unlovable. That doesn’t make us less than. It does not make us worthless. It does not make us not enough. We allow those things to be our truths by accepting them as such. I am choosing each day to change those things I used to allow to define me to be redefined. There is power in words, so choose which words you use and accept wisely!

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