Tag Archives: pregnancy

Destiny

30 Mar

Destiny. A predetermined course. Does it exist? I think it does. That doesn’t negate our free will, it just means that in the end you get where you are meant to be. It’s the path we take to get there that changes.

My path was laden with things that definitely shaped who I am. I still haven’t figured it all out, yet, and I am sure I have lots still to learn. The key is that I have learned and grown to become the person I need to be in order to deal with what comes next through each new adventure and experience in my life’s journey. I am sure that your story is similar in that regard.

When I was getting married, I went to Las Vegas. We were stationed in San Diego at the time so Las Vegas was a short 6 hour drive. Six hours of non-stop arguing. I used to think that our arguing was passionate and fiery. After a while, NOTSOMUCH. Maybe I should add here that I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time. We celebrated our decision to get married in the bedroom which led to this pregnancy. That’s where passionate and fiery really matter, right?! Anyway, back to Vegas…once we got to The Little White Wedding Chapel, a lot had transpired. As I stood at the end of the aisle in my Birkenstocks and wedding attire, the voice in my head was yelling “run, run, run” and I was telling my little voice that even though he looked terrified standing at the end of the aisle, we were going to have a baby, he would be a good dad, he was a hard worker, and had some money saved up; he was safe and secure. So, I married him. Notice that in the conversation with myself love and happily ever after didn’t come up. That is not to say that I didn’t love him, it was just not what led me down the aisle.

My road with him pre-marriage was a rocky one. Filled with drama, arguments and cheating on me. For some reason, no matter how often we broke up, we got back together. I thought that meant he was meant to be. That we were destined to be together. Instead, what I have learned is that I didn’t love myself enough to believe that I was worth more. I also believed that once married, the cheating would stop. It didn’t.

I don’t regret my decision or the journey it took me on. I have 3 amazing children who have a dad who loves them and cares for them beyond my hopes for them. I wanted my children to have a dad; a dad that I myself had always wanted. I got that. Being with my ex allowed me to achieve much of the things I wanted in way of a career even though we had a child soon after we were married. I completed my Bachelor’s degree and have earned a good living. He was very supportive of all my accomplishments. I have not lived out my destiny–since we’re alive, our stories are still unfolding–but I feel I am finally on the right path. Divorce was just a stop along the road…